A thousand promises broken into pieces

I was there staring in front of rows and rows of those self-enriching books at kino. I don’t know how long time passed. My eyes randomly looked over different titles, and once in a while, I picked up one and glanced through the introduction. I put it back down. I was tempted to buy them, but then I thought, would this book have the same fate with the other books I have, stacked on my bedroom bookshelf? Very high chances it would. 

Several times I heard UH say this to me “TK, have you read this book. You should read this you know” or “have you read this book. Can you read it and share it with me”. I knew I needed help. I knew I needed motivation. But i told myself it isn’t in one of these books. I had to look for one in myself.

I once asked myself this “Kalau syaitan tu pernah ada di syurga, pernah berkomunikasi dgn Allah, tahu dan percaya akan kuasa Allah, tahu dan percaya akan siksa api neraka, kenapa dia masih mungkar, dan x ikut perintah Allah untuk bersujud ke Adam?” 

UH said “sbb Allah mmg jadikan dia mcm tu. Sbb itu mmg janji Allah”.

I mean, it’s not about that is it? I mean, u can’t answer with that to this similar situation “a man is in front of the most powerful judge in the country. That man knows and believes that in front of him is the most powerful judge in the country. Yet in that very same court, he kills an innocent man. He knows of the severity of his punishment, and he won’t be able to get away with it, but he did it anyways. Does such man exist? If he really does exist, you can’t turn around and simple, oh, because Allah made him that way. and stop at that.

Because in my everyday life, I know that Allah is my Lord, my Creator. I have been fed with enough knowledge to make me believe that. But more than too often, too many times, I disobey. I know heaven and hell exist, but why do I still disobey? why do I live this life as though heaven and hell do not exist? I can’t just say to myself “oh, because Allah made me this way”

UH said “itu masalah hati”. Well, it really is the heart. That ego that some of us have in our hearts.It’s the ego that tells you that it’s ok that even if you are wrong, you believe that you are wrong, but your words and actions fight for the fact that you are guilty free.

So why does ego exist? It is because this life is a test. And why does Allah create this life as a test, only Allah knows.

Life is a test, really. But more than often, some of us seek life to be comfort. We were driving in some parts of the town the other day, and UM saw it out the window, a saying that read “a superior man seeks for virtue. A common man seeks for comfort.” Huho. “siapa makan cili dial ah terasa pedasnya” I was exactly that. It was as though the saying-out-loud part was intentionally directed to me. 

But really, Is it wrong to be a common man? Is it wrong to seek comfort? Does everybody have to try to become superior? Is virtue and comfort something opposite and can never come together as a package? Is it wrong to lead a simple life, to live life as a simple person? Does simple, virtue and comfort contradict each other? I thought and thought. Maybe at this very moment, it is. Because of the circumstances I am already in.

It’s been nine months now. I can’t help but count my days here.  I want out.

You know how the saying goes? “You say, ‘If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied’ You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled.” I was doomed. but when I thought back, I wanted different. Not more. So I’m not really doomed am I?

And also I came across to this saying “The key to happiness is not in doing what one likes, but in liking what one does.” What BS is this? I mean, u must be kidding right? How are you supposed to like doing what you drag doing every single day? 

I really need to trash things out on paper, but everything is jumbled up, stuck and tied up in a knots. 

I want out. But I do not want to say things I will regret later on. For now, i'll be holding on.