what have i been up to lately? nothing much. well. sorta nothing much. because its like the things i do didnt come to fruition. so its almost as if i did nothing much. or so i think. or should i look it as hasnt come to frution? sometimes i feel like i just want to believe that's that, but somehow i know deep down that things wont work if they just continue to be this way. at some point things have to change. and i am to make it change.
so again, i have decided to continue those endless trips nevertheless. and yes, i do have to googlemap the different locations every single time and rummage (if i may call that) my way around. it's almost like i never get my directions right, ever. i need heaps of sense of direction. but all the same, pray that i do not lose my patience in that.
work in office? it's been boring lately. haha. that came earlier than i thought it would. =p just for a mere fact that there's lack of stuff to do in office. for me at the very least. everyone else (almost) is rushing for datelines. 3 of my teammates almost went berserk with BTL, with me chilling right next door. some stuff just cant be assisted, but most other times i hesitate to, just because a creature right above my ladder makes a big fuss out of it. i have, in an incident last week went out of my way and answered back sarcastically, but i am afraid that should i keep that to be a permanent culture, i'd just ruin my own self.
but things are expected to perk up though, with peak just around the corner. i welcome the season with open hands, except for the fact that some sad event will take place before that. but things will still have to go on. without or without hr. although sal (who's already announced that she's under depressison) and i would go cucoo because of it.
speaking of which, i have thought and thought about it. and i have come to a conclusion that i may be one of those millions of people under mental depression. a bad one is totally out of question. maybe a mild one. or wait. maybe a bad one, but i'm just trying to deny my way out of it. *but for the fact that i am actually keyed up to put down the reasons for the conclusion made, i have come to another conclusion that i am actually just trying to make things look more dramatic than it really is* haha.
there are definitely the down times though. the negative times to be more exact. i dont know what is it with me that always calculates the favours that i do for other people. you see, it's so few that i can actually count them. and yet i'm making a big fuss about it. and to make it worst, i'd actually associate them with the stuff that i know is impossible. how could i have thought that certain friends just wanted to use me, use my help, and no more than that. so what about all those things they have done for me? i so deserve to be ridiculed. i felt so bad to even have had such thoughts that i made it to be a reason that i am under depression. even more baaaka-ness :)
it's nonsensical that as a matter of fact, i do want to help people without them asking; when at the same time i do not want to help when they actually ask for help. i totally overlooked the fact that when they ask for help, that's actually when they are in real need. ~sigh. i really need to work on this one.
perhaps my thoughts have wandered too much that i could actually come up with such thing. despite all the plans that i have in mind, i still feel i'm missing out in life. i am conscious that the root cause is me being stuck in a "poor" state (only certain people would understand the real meaning to it). but i dont think i am in a position to do anything about that, except improve and improve myself; and pray for it to come true.
and to compensate for it (i think so), i've been dying to take up diving. even before ZL became obsessed with it, i've dreamed about it already. but he got there first, given that he actually took action upon it. unlike me who has it only in the mind still.
and i think it's also because i havent gone riding for eons. i wish i can just volt on a horse and canter away without any complications. but things are just not that way. aih. the never-ending issues and concerns that come as a package. will i ever get over it? i wish i could, but my hopes are not held high -_-
it's close to 2am. and i plan to make tommorrow (more likely today after i wake up) a spring cleaning day. ja mata
.: shadow :.-nikon d90-
this is one of those failed pictures which i still like. =p
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