i was inspired for a no-play-by-play "this is what happened to me" entry by aneesah's blog. so here goes mine :
identity crisis.
i don't know if its normal to have this again, but somehow lately, i seem to have this problem. it is almost like i am falling into the same pothole over and over and over again - i know it is there, i can see it, i know its coming, but somehow i just let myself fall into it :(
back then in high school, i dont remember having an identity. i could say that i was invisible. there was no atiqah. there was only somebody's daughter, somebody's sister or just somebody's classmate. in a world where everybody else is performing and outstanding, i, an average in everything i do, would just fit nicely into the background. it sounds sad i know, but let's just face the fact.
it was heartbreaking to face people who i recognised but do not recognise me. i then came to grow up learning to ignore people, in other words to not bother to recognise people simply because they do not recognise me. it was because of a simple reason : i was embarassed not being recognised. what i didnt know back then was this : almost everybody have to make an effort to make other people recognise them.
i do make some effort these days. i'd try and brush aside the embarrasing part to go up and say hi - even if they don't recognise me. but i'm still partially stuck with the habit of ignoring people if i happen to just past by them. OMG. i just remembered something. i made a grave mistake by not recognising a client who came over to office uninformed. omg. if itu dong-shi knew that, i'd be SO dead.
anyways, it does feel horrible to face this whole i-recognise-you-but-you-dont thing. and it seemed that even though i've learned it the hard way, i'm still doing that to other people. it is a very very very important skill to remember people's names and recognise their faces - and acknowledge that you actually know them whenever you accidently bump into them somewhere, anywhere.
and so i've always thought college gave me a great deal of confidence. i became me. atiqah J. i found out who i wanted to be and what i wanted to be like, my dream and what i wanted to be in the future. i recognised people and people recognised me. i guess it was thanks to the fact that i was among the rare ones who has a towel wrapped around the head. oops. i mean, headscarf. jK. irregardless of the simple reason, i still gained self esteem.
and now here i am, on the first step up the ladder. initially i wanted to type in the ladder of success, but now i am not so sure if it is one anymore. success seem to be so far away, so subjective, and over and over again, i feel like it needs to be redefined - my definition of success that is. i guess this is the feeling of losing something you were once so clear and confident about.
not only that, now i am confused of who i want to be and what i want to be like. i am surrounded by people who are opposites of what i've learned to be good people. i'm not saying they're bad, no. but just almost opposites of what muslims should become. the amount of swearing that's around, gosh, you can never imagine. dirty words casually used, i could have never imagined people with no humility. hayaa to be more exact. some people might think there is nothing wrong with it, but that definitely isnt the kind of words i'd want to hear everyday. and as much as i conciously try to not get involved with it, how far can my efforts go?
the amount of gossips and backbiting - this i guess is normal - even though not right. as much as i want to stay away from this, i have almost never succeeded since the day 1 i arrived. it is almost impossible to get away and stay clean. you're an outcast if you do. you cant survive if you do. and i thought it'll be almost pointless to try and understand what professionalism is, with the kind of things that happen around here.
this is what i call culture shock. i would have never thought it is one, until only the other day when alex asked me whether it is one. without thinking i simply shrugged it off as a no, but thinking back, there is no possible way for it to be counted as a no.
for now, i'll be holding on.
identity crisis.
i don't know if its normal to have this again, but somehow lately, i seem to have this problem. it is almost like i am falling into the same pothole over and over and over again - i know it is there, i can see it, i know its coming, but somehow i just let myself fall into it :(
back then in high school, i dont remember having an identity. i could say that i was invisible. there was no atiqah. there was only somebody's daughter, somebody's sister or just somebody's classmate. in a world where everybody else is performing and outstanding, i, an average in everything i do, would just fit nicely into the background. it sounds sad i know, but let's just face the fact.
it was heartbreaking to face people who i recognised but do not recognise me. i then came to grow up learning to ignore people, in other words to not bother to recognise people simply because they do not recognise me. it was because of a simple reason : i was embarassed not being recognised. what i didnt know back then was this : almost everybody have to make an effort to make other people recognise them.
i do make some effort these days. i'd try and brush aside the embarrasing part to go up and say hi - even if they don't recognise me. but i'm still partially stuck with the habit of ignoring people if i happen to just past by them. OMG. i just remembered something. i made a grave mistake by not recognising a client who came over to office uninformed. omg. if itu dong-shi knew that, i'd be SO dead.
anyways, it does feel horrible to face this whole i-recognise-you-but-you-dont thing. and it seemed that even though i've learned it the hard way, i'm still doing that to other people. it is a very very very important skill to remember people's names and recognise their faces - and acknowledge that you actually know them whenever you accidently bump into them somewhere, anywhere.
and so i've always thought college gave me a great deal of confidence. i became me. atiqah J. i found out who i wanted to be and what i wanted to be like, my dream and what i wanted to be in the future. i recognised people and people recognised me. i guess it was thanks to the fact that i was among the rare ones who has a towel wrapped around the head. oops. i mean, headscarf. jK. irregardless of the simple reason, i still gained self esteem.
and now here i am, on the first step up the ladder. initially i wanted to type in the ladder of success, but now i am not so sure if it is one anymore. success seem to be so far away, so subjective, and over and over again, i feel like it needs to be redefined - my definition of success that is. i guess this is the feeling of losing something you were once so clear and confident about.
not only that, now i am confused of who i want to be and what i want to be like. i am surrounded by people who are opposites of what i've learned to be good people. i'm not saying they're bad, no. but just almost opposites of what muslims should become. the amount of swearing that's around, gosh, you can never imagine. dirty words casually used, i could have never imagined people with no humility. hayaa to be more exact. some people might think there is nothing wrong with it, but that definitely isnt the kind of words i'd want to hear everyday. and as much as i conciously try to not get involved with it, how far can my efforts go?
the amount of gossips and backbiting - this i guess is normal - even though not right. as much as i want to stay away from this, i have almost never succeeded since the day 1 i arrived. it is almost impossible to get away and stay clean. you're an outcast if you do. you cant survive if you do. and i thought it'll be almost pointless to try and understand what professionalism is, with the kind of things that happen around here.
this is what i call culture shock. i would have never thought it is one, until only the other day when alex asked me whether it is one. without thinking i simply shrugged it off as a no, but thinking back, there is no possible way for it to be counted as a no.
for now, i'll be holding on.
1 comment:
I was in a similar predicament when I was a teenager. I asked an ustaz for advice and this is what he told me: 'Be like the fish in the sea. No matter how salty the water is, it's flesh never gets salty.' Best advice I ever got.
A.Mimi
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