A glimpse

Bismilllah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim

It’s 2 36am. I just woke up from sleep. Right now sitting in the living room typing away. All alone in this two bedroom apartment. And I’m 200km away from home. What am I doing here? I’m on an audit field work for two weeks.
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There’s 6 of us in total here. 3 girls and 3 guys. All of them but me went out to get some entertainment – almost 7 hours ago. And they’re not back yet. I’m not feeling good about this. My mum must have felt a much worst feeling during all those hours waiting for me to come back home…. Not that I want to stop them from coming back this late – they have the rights to do whatever they want. But it’s just that feeling of “will they be back all safe and sound?”
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InsyaAllah one day, when I have kids, I want to teach them about curfews just like the way my parents did. No coercion. I don’t know if it will work for their generation. And I know at some point I will experience something much more intense than this feeling of waiting – coz they’re my children, but insyaAllah, I will have to be patient. And acceptive.
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Well, this is the third time this week that I decided to stay put in the apartment and “be a good girl” (or more of being an anti-social?). Last night was a total disaster. They had some carnival thing near our place. It was so totally not my kind of thing. Some parts were just o-k. Most parts were a complete turn-off. Thank God they decided to finish by 11.
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It brings me to wonder. Is this what’s going to happen for the two months in J? Me being totally not up to what they are so interested in doing? I have hopes that it won’t be the same, very different in fact – judging based on the people I met during the interview. We all clicked almost right away when we had coffee and tea in our hands to break the ice. It was much more promising than the first day in T. YKS? If comparing a couple of months, I think T was better off. I was different back then. But I was still in.

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I’m not saying that I’m good or any better – just, um, different. Well, most probably I’m worst off. I have not been able to really keep the promise I made during VOS. I almost crossed that line a couple of times. I cheated myself.
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VOS. VOS. VOS. I know I’m a hypocrite. I don’t think I have the rights to. For the fact that I am not living with the knowledge, lessons and experience gained from it. But I still miss it soo much. Facebook posts of other students have been constantly revolving around shout outs on living at least one of the names of Allah learnt, but me? I was too far away from that. I brought my VOS notes all the way here with me, but I only made a peek once. So am I still going to claim that I miss it soo much? Only Allah Al-Aleem knows…
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If I’ve been in the audit line for the past 10 months, my involvement with ALM started about just a month earlier. I still remember the first time I went to sunway, to k.SK’s house. Didn’t click right away, but I felt accepted. I didn’t feel alienated. The things they spoke about. The team work they put in. I just felt “ease”. I still remember the evening preparing the first free Friday night ever held in kl. I still remember clips from AHS – the table anchor, when sh. reminded that Allah will forgive all sins, ANY kind, if we make sincere taubah to Him; the running around with the “stress ball”; the 5 minute travel to 20 years into the future; the guy who had a low number; the story of Iyadh the wise man; the story of the guy who checked into office but works for somebody else; moments when my memory failed me to answer questions on the spot; the high moments laughing, smiling and random hugs; the down moments crying, sobbing and weeping. I still remember the “journey to jannah”. The smell. The sounds. The tour guide. The bus driver. The humour. The peacefulness. The emotion. The sentiment. Maybe not all the details of conversation. But it’s there somewhere in the memories.
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Then came those on site meetings, online meetings and the never ending stream of emails to be read, to be replied. TEJ and TSP came and went with memories, knowledge and experiences gained. VOS marked another two very powerful weekend.

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The thing is, where have I stored all these knowledge and ilm gained? A friend once said to me “Girl, Allah has chosen you to be one of the student of knowledge. Here you are telling me that you are still not practicing what you have learnt. Think, Allah has given you the ni’mah of knowledge and understanding even if you have not been practicing them well. What happens one day when Allah decrees that they were to be taken away because you have not been practicing as you have supposed to? Do you want to wait till that day comes?”
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By making the commitment to become a return student for all ALM courses bi ithnillah, I knew that the responsibility of not just practicing the knowledge, but also spreading the knowledge came with it as a package. At the end of the day, I can’t blame my environment for not being a conducive place for me to practice my deen. Because what I do is my choice. I can’t blame others for not reminding me to pray on time. I can’t blame the workload for distracting me from having khushoo in my prayers. I can’t blame others for the roughness in my speech; for the lack of latif in my actions; for me not having any hayaa; for not spending time to read the quran – understand and ponder; that I feel so arrogant; that I am not loving; that I don’t help around at home. I can’t blame others for the habits that I have.
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When AR made the offer, a reflex action answer was a no. But really, I have to ask myself again, of my goals. What do I really want from this life, and will it be sufficient for me to make it fine to the gates of Jannah, with the Mercy of Allah. I help around so little that I feel it will be a waste of resources. But I knew he was serious and he must have his own reasons. This to be KIVed until the next meeting. Maybe we can work something out for the benefit of both parties insyaAllah, w/o me leaving.

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All decisions are put on hold, waiting for D. He is indeed Al-Muqaddir, Al-Muakhir, Al-Hakeem. The Expediter, The Delayer, The Most Wise. And He is As-Sami’ and Al-Alim. He knows what is in our hearts and what is best for us. He is Al-Mujeeb, Al-Hayiy, He will definitely answer our dua’, insyaAllah.

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Alhamdulillah ala kulli ni’mah.