my last post was on 1st Jan 07, n now it's already 1st Jan 08. how time has passed by so quickly. it's 2 34 am, and i am not at all sleepy. eager to face the coming year? yeah. very much i should say.
refLectiOns -
frankly, the past year hasnt been so great. of course there were sweet happy moments once in a while, but productive ones? ones that improve my overall well being? none that i can remember. i've been wishing and wishing for opportunities the whole year, but very few came knocking on my door. and even when opportunities came, i did not grab it, i did not jeopardise it, i did not use it - reason being too "busy" wishing all the time. stupid aint it?
august came, and things were still the same way as it was. i was still waiting, doing nothing while waiting. after sometime - i think Allah knows that i could bear it no more. i was out with friends. responding to a statement, i blurted out "kita rasa exam kat college kita lagi susah nak pass". then farah said "Atiqah, ujian Allah tu jauh lagi berat dari apape yg manusia boleh bagi". it hit me.
i did not realise (i knew, but i never cared) that the tests in life are far more important, waay more complicated, giving me much more lessons and experience that i need in the future. even months b4 the ACCA exams were held, i prepared my notes, did exercises, answered past year questions b4 hand. but i did not prepare for the daily tests of life. so, obviously i failed most. the thing is, i am the candidate AND i am the marker. of course the ultimate Judge is God, but right now, i decide whether i pass or fail. another problem - i decide when i want to mark those tests, and it seemed that i can just not mark them after all...
from then on, i told myself that i shouldnt be neglecting the daily tests, that i shouldnt be stressed just becoz of college exams, especially when the exam papers are still miles away. it wasnt an easy thing to do. earlier, i didnt know that i was ADDICTED to studying. can u imagine? aiyo... i felt sooo nerdy. o_O lol but i still studied hard for my exams, yes i did - cuz i have a fobia for failing. no, the fobia did NOT come from me failing a paper before.
anyways, time passed, and things seemed to get a little better. um, yes, just a little better. becoz somehow, a week or so after the exams was over, i was somewhat "buntu". i vaguely knew what i wanted to do. i had a system breakdown, a really bad one. but alhamdulillah, a chat with farah rekindled my spirit. thank you again farah. it may have been nothing to u, but it meant so much to me.
and that happened only about em, a week or two ago. almost at the same time, i stumbled upon this quote
|| i used to say "i sure hope things will change". then i learned that the only way things will change for me is when i change ||
second hit - a harder one. waaay harder.
**
i have long ago known the reason for the emptiness that i feel. it is because i do not consciously and subconsciously take Allah as my God, Islam as my religion, and Prophet Muhammad as the Messenger of Allah. i know the logic, i know the reason, i believe, i understand. but yet, i do not practice. i know it is not easy, yet i do not try my best - i barely tried. Ya Allah. saaidni ya Allah. give me strength, give me patience, give me guidance.
frankly, the past year hasnt been so great. of course there were sweet happy moments once in a while, but productive ones? ones that improve my overall well being? none that i can remember. i've been wishing and wishing for opportunities the whole year, but very few came knocking on my door. and even when opportunities came, i did not grab it, i did not jeopardise it, i did not use it - reason being too "busy" wishing all the time. stupid aint it?
august came, and things were still the same way as it was. i was still waiting, doing nothing while waiting. after sometime - i think Allah knows that i could bear it no more. i was out with friends. responding to a statement, i blurted out "kita rasa exam kat college kita lagi susah nak pass". then farah said "Atiqah, ujian Allah tu jauh lagi berat dari apape yg manusia boleh bagi". it hit me.
i did not realise (i knew, but i never cared) that the tests in life are far more important, waay more complicated, giving me much more lessons and experience that i need in the future. even months b4 the ACCA exams were held, i prepared my notes, did exercises, answered past year questions b4 hand. but i did not prepare for the daily tests of life. so, obviously i failed most. the thing is, i am the candidate AND i am the marker. of course the ultimate Judge is God, but right now, i decide whether i pass or fail. another problem - i decide when i want to mark those tests, and it seemed that i can just not mark them after all...
from then on, i told myself that i shouldnt be neglecting the daily tests, that i shouldnt be stressed just becoz of college exams, especially when the exam papers are still miles away. it wasnt an easy thing to do. earlier, i didnt know that i was ADDICTED to studying. can u imagine? aiyo... i felt sooo nerdy. o_O lol but i still studied hard for my exams, yes i did - cuz i have a fobia for failing. no, the fobia did NOT come from me failing a paper before.
anyways, time passed, and things seemed to get a little better. um, yes, just a little better. becoz somehow, a week or so after the exams was over, i was somewhat "buntu". i vaguely knew what i wanted to do. i had a system breakdown, a really bad one. but alhamdulillah, a chat with farah rekindled my spirit. thank you again farah. it may have been nothing to u, but it meant so much to me.
and that happened only about em, a week or two ago. almost at the same time, i stumbled upon this quote
|| i used to say "i sure hope things will change". then i learned that the only way things will change for me is when i change ||
second hit - a harder one. waaay harder.
**
i have long ago known the reason for the emptiness that i feel. it is because i do not consciously and subconsciously take Allah as my God, Islam as my religion, and Prophet Muhammad as the Messenger of Allah. i know the logic, i know the reason, i believe, i understand. but yet, i do not practice. i know it is not easy, yet i do not try my best - i barely tried. Ya Allah. saaidni ya Allah. give me strength, give me patience, give me guidance.
No comments:
Post a Comment